Goff Morgan - Adventures In Hack Poetry

A repository for the poetry of Goff Morgan, the one and only Newport Town Poet. Goff was the only official town poet in Wales from 1997 to 2000, and since then has continued in an informal capacity to write commissioned verse for BBC Radio Wales, and others.

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Location: Newport, Gwent, United Kingdom

I trained as an actor in the early eighties, and performed my own one-man shows until 2000. I was made Newport Town Poet in 1997, and have broadcast on BBC Radio Wales since 1991. My first solo programme for Radio Wales was "Goff At The Pictures", and I've recently completed a two parter called "Goff's Guiding Principles".

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

The Patented Hole

I've recently been asked to provide a weekly "On This Day In History" inspired poem for the BBC Radio Wales program, "Roy's Rarebits!", starting 9/7/06.

I presume I'm one of Roy's rarebits, but in a nice way, obviously.

I've fancied having a crack at a weekly muse for quite a while, but I've never found a niche to wriggle into in the current Radio Wales programming, but Roy's quirky style and the patchwork hotch-potch content of the program suits me nicely.

So, on to the first poem. On the ninth of July, 1872, Captain John Blondell patented the first cutter for a doughnut, poking out the middle so he could stack them on the wheel while he was at the helm; some legends state that this happened earlier, to a different captain altogether, who in the middle of a storm accidentally rammed his doughnut onto the handle of the wheel when the ship lurched to port!

I have difficulty accepting that any responsible seaman would be tucking into pastries in the midst of a gale - all the sugar would have washed off for one thing! My mate Harri pointed out that had he had an extra strong mint in his hand at the time, he might have invented the polo!

Thus, a nautical shanty in celebration of an unsung hero of deep-fried pasty!

The Patented Hole
A Sailor and his Doughnut.

Sing you the tale of John Blondel,
A naval captain of whom sailors' tell,
Who loved a deep fried pastry just a little too well.
(Sing a "Yo, heave Ho!" me hearties!)
Though all the merchant seaman in his employ
Knew consumption of the doughnut was his only joy;
It's the sort of mild fixation that can start to annoy!
(Sing a"Yo, ho, ho! How peculiar?")

For all the sailors knew, when suddenly they'd feel
A judder from the rudder, or a scraping from the keel,
He'd be reaching for a doughnut with but one hand on the wheel!
(Sing a "Yo, heave Ho!" me hearties!)
And from the coast of Cromarty to Goodwin Sands
There's something every naval rating understands;
There's occasions when you're sailing that you need both hands!
(Sing a "Yo, ho, ho!" in particular!)

So in the year of 1872,
In order to overcome the sneers of his crew
He patented a cutter for to poke a doughnut through!
(Sing a "Yo, heave Ho!" me hearties)
And thus potential mutiny was brought to heel
With a plate of punctured doughnuts, for he could reveal
How he'd stack 'em on the handle, and have both hands on the wheel!
(Sing a"Yo, ho, ho! How spectacular!")


Now John Blondel mayn't've had a lot of soul,
But the sum of his parts were greater than his whole,
For without him doughnuts ne'r would have a hole!
(Sing "Yo, ho, ho!" in the vernacular!)


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